Armed with a Registry Scanner and Dangerous

Yep.

As we quickly approach the 6 months till the wedding mark- shit is starting to get real. 

We started the wedding registry and it is surprisingly difficult. 90% of the kitchen tools I have never seen before, and 95% I have never used before. 

(2% of them I gave very inappropriate names to. I will not say it, but take a look at Martha Stewart's basting brush and let your imagination run wild.)

I feel like I should be trying to get all those things that people have in their kitchens. 

But my current kitchen has a piece of painted plywood masquerading as a kitchen counter. Hardly from the pages of Real Simple.

Now that I am approaching wedded bliss should I start to figure what these things do? Does that make me more adult or something?

For example- a cheese grater.  I have never hand grated cheese.  Most days I barely have enough time to throw a little delicious Parmesan Reggiano (thank you Rachel Ray) on my not so delicious Lean Cuisine.  (Therefore making it not so lean, but can I have a little bit of fun in my life?)

I don't even like popcorn.

Or a flour sifter?  For what exactly?  Baking?  Baking what?  What kind of baked goods require flour being sifted?  Flour already looks pretty sifted to me?

Plus- I have been having a love/hate relationship with cheeses and baked goods all my life.  Currently we are having a trial separation. 

All of those kitchen tools just seem like gateway drugs into a life of weight watchers meetings.

In the absence of knowing what to buy- I have decided that everything that labels what it is - I LOVE.  For example- an appetizer plate that says “Appetizer” SCAN IT.  A drink cup that says “Drink” on it SCAN IT.  A popcorn bowl that says “Popcorn” - SCANNED!!!

After our second time with the scanner gun in Macy’s and about 15 labeled plates Jeremy put his foot down.

Beyond cute.

Jeremy:  Tara.  If everything in our house is labeled with what it is, people who come to dinner are going to think we are autistic. 

Another sign that I am losing my mind is my complete obsession with anything Martha Stewart makes.  As in the head of the Apron Wearing Army.  The leader of the religion of House Wifery. Me.  Tara.  LOVING EVERYTHING MARTHA.  Seriously the 10% of kitchen items that I understood are in Martha Stewart red and blue.

It must be something in the Philosophy wedding body wash I have been using.  It’s altering my brain.

My girl Martha - even makes cup cake stands.  Like a cake stand for cupcakes.

No clue what these are for but pretty sure it's not this.

Pre-wedding Tara would be like, why the hell do I need a little stand for my cupcakes. 

Hello! Welcome to my Tea party. Please take your seats in front of your cup cake stands?!?!??!  I mean really? 

Plus, cupcakes rarely last 10 mins in my house anyway.  Putting it on a little stand for display is practically a confectionery death wish. 

But Martha makes it.  So I kinda want it.

If it was labeled “Cupcake Stand” it would be over.

Also I am currently registered for 4 different cutting boards.  What am I cooking with all of this cut foods?  No clue.

I guess it comes down to the way you envisioned your life.  Multiple kitchen tools and baking pans and mixers and freaking pastry displayers are things that I always see in beautiful kitchens in the suburbs.  But I am not willing to buy the house in Jersey just yet.  Buying a house in New Jersey and taking a bus for an hour each morning each just so I have a spot for the fine China? Really?

However- I knew exactly what I wanted when it came to the bar section. Jeremy and I are going to be able to open a small cocktail lounge in our living room by the end of this.

So pick your poison.  AA meetings or a life of counting the calories is your flour sifted cup cakes.

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My girl Martha

That would have been such a cool way to end this blog entry but I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or too negative - As the readers of the blog may be the very same people who buy me one of the 4 cutting boards I decide on. 

I am secretly loving every second of this wedding process - and Jeremy is going to win a Groom of the Year award.  It’s just that domesticity makes me nervous.

Just promise me something, if you find me wearing a Martha Stewart apron and drawing smiley faces from a pastry squirter thinger onto the mini cupcakes I am placing in a cupcake stand - declare it a state of emergency and call Ani Difranco.